Alright, so Deception Part 2 never happened...probably for the better at that point. I was very angry and, righteous or not, I would have said some things that I would have regretted.
It also seems that finals and holidays sucked up my December postings. But, I find myself with some time to share tonight, so share I will.
The title of this post may seem strange, but there have been a few things over the last two weeks that, after reflecting no them, I realized that something is wrong.
First is praying before meals. Sal and I usually trade off in praying before dinner together, and about two weeks ago, as Sal asked me to pray, I remember feeling squeemish and saying no, that he should do it. I did it anyway, but that can now be recognized as a cue that something was wrong.
Second, I'm sad to say, was Christmas. This year was the first year I have missed Christmas with my family, and spent Christmas with the Cieri's. A very different, but equally as enjoyable, experience. My mind the week of Christmas was so focused on not being with my family. Complaining to Sal, even emailed pictures of the day made me really sad. Another cue that something was wrong.
Third has been a constant cue over the past few weeks, that I can now identify as selfishness. About gifts, celebrations, or even just attention. I found myself being jealous and saying things I wouldn't normally say to draw attention to myself. It makes me feel dirty just thinking about it.
(Side note: Perhaps this should be a journal entry more than a blog post, but I as a proponent of honesty and openness, hopefully someone can benefit from me sharing this.)
So I've gotten some clues over the past few weeks that something has been wrong. My focus has been out of wack, and as a result I am in a much less happy and less stable place. Things with Sal and I are good, things with me and my family are good, things at work and school are fine. So, I've traced it back to my relationship with God, or what is left of it. It seems finals and the holiday season has distracted me from more than blog posts.
And so, I find myself lost and wondering who exactly this God is I serve and why I should make the effort to serve Him. Good news? Every time I question Him, He reminds me (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdfKTTeGj2U). Reminds me how Good and Gracious and Forgiving and a thousand other good and wonderful things He is. And so I find myself brought to my knees in humility and shame and gratitude all at once. Oh, the graciousness of our God. It reminds me of the account of Isaiah seeing God in the temple in Isaiah 6. He isn't doesn't comment on the holiness of God or the glory of God, instead he throws himself on the ground, shouting “Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.” (6:5) An instant reminder of our imperfection in the light of God's perfection.
Also in Isaiah's statement he makes reference to living among a people of unclean lips. I have felt the same way in this revelation. How crappy our society has become. Even in light of the generosity of Christmas, I am overwhelmed with the backwardness of things. I feel overwhelmed by the mess that Christmas has become, not to mention the rest of the year...*sigh* I hope my current state of "starry-eyed social worker" will persist through this defeated feeling.
So I guess I share this to say, keep your eyes open for some warning signs that you have jumped the track on your relationship with God. We will see the change this new year brings. God and I have some catching up to do.
- Erica
"Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. 'Come now, let us reason together,' says the LORD" Isaiah 1:17-18
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