A reflection on 2011

Well then. This blog is a bit dusty. I think its about time to dust it off and begin again. I have been typing my journal entries recently. No reason not to add this into the mix.

Well this year has certainly produced its share of surprises. Two semesters of school, a new house with the love of my life (and all of the work, moving, and home improvement that it implies), a summer consumed in a video game (not too proud of that one), wonderful additions to the family through marriage and birth, a marriage-focused bible study, and another year has passed.

I have to say that overall 2011 seems to be a wash. Maybe that is too harsh, since there have been so many wonderful things that have happened this year. The thing which I think has suffered most? My relationship with God. I have been at least neglectful and at worst disdainful towards God this year. It has been a very difficult and trying time. I have filled my life with other distractions and objects of affection that I really had no place for God this year. Yes, I know, this sounds harsh. And maybe this reflects more anger towards myself than the actual truth. I know now what I have done, and what that means for me. I have turned and accepted God's forgiveness (though obviously am still working through forgiving myself), but I must start to rebuild my knowledge of the person of God, remind myself of his promises, of His personality, of how He speaks to me.

Even now part of me wants to rebel, wants to doubt. But my heart knows what it's been missing. Or rather, who.

Other things this year have gone well, albeit tinted by my mind attempting to escape from the knowledge of God. Sal and I have grown closer than ever. We find ourselves having good days and bad days, but overall I see a pattern of sacrifice and each of us going our of our way to fulfill the needs of the other. We are learning to live together, to work together, and to fight effectively. We are learning to love each other with passion in the midst of routine. Again, we have our good moments and our bad, but when we begin each day with a good morning kiss and go to bed with a goodnight kiss, we know that we are doing something right.

This year has also been full of reminiscing. I hit a period this year where I was not coping well with the idea of growing up. With the idea of paying bills and worrying about money and having responsibilities when all I wanted to do was have fun. It was a time of rebellion and depression, of questioning why things couldn't have been like they were in the past. Growing old is tough! Part of that season was a time of reflecting. Remembering the great times in my life and the worst, the memories, the feelings, the emotions, the personality traits...just remembering it all (this had a large part in leading me back to God). I now find myself at a place of acceptance, thankfulness, and a desire to move forward and press on. Remembering the blessings, what God has done in my life, how He has spoken to me, the experiences I have had, and remembering that I have a choice in who I am and what I do, all of that played a role in the turn to forgiveness and persistence.

And so I am happy that I am where I am to start off the new year right. On a growth spurt with God ( as I fondly call it), started taking a daily vitamin (taking better care of myself ;)), and determined to go out of my way to express to my husband just how much he means to me. One thing that I've often thought of is how our days are numbered. Though that may seem morbid to some, it makes me more grateful for the time I have now, and how I don't want to waste it!

2012 looks like smooth sailing ahead. I hope to use this blog to express God's revelations to me, personal thoughts, and the random day to day, be it exciting or mundane. I'm excited for the year ahead.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSIVjjY8Ou8

- Erica

"Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. 'Come now, let us reason together,' says the LORD" Isaiah 1:17-18

Self-Reflection Poem

Please keep in mind this poem has not been edited. It was the ramblings of a broken heart and a frustrated mind. I like it the way it is :)

A Self-Reflection

Since when have I become this frail, immobile thing?
Haven't I grown since leaving my mother's womb?
Haven't my arms and legs grown longer?
My heart larger?
My torso taller?

Hasn't my intellect doubled and tripled itself?
Gone from short stunted selfish noises to words?
From words to conversations?
From conversations to art?

Haven't I learned to say more than hello and goodbye?
To truly know and truly care for those I interact with?
Learned to share?
Learned to empathize?
Learned to love?

And yet here I sit uttering selfish grunts.
A spitting image of my former self.
A de-evolition of the mind.

Is it for attention? For sympathy?
Or is it a hand reaching out into the blackness
A retrogradation to a infintile stage where my needs aren't being met and I need to grunt and groan in selfish ways to communicate them.

I am more than an infintile being. I have self awareness, clothing food and shelter.
I have friendships, safety, and love.
I have the heart and the capacity to reach other to help others and care for those around me.

Then why these clipped short shouts?
Why do I cry?
Why do I perseverate on myself at the sake of losing everything?

It is a choice to grow
To rise
To stand.

It is a choice to love
To empathize
To communicate.

A choice to put yourself last
To think of others first.
To serve.

I choose You.

- Erica

"Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. 'Come now, let us reason together,' says the LORD" Isaiah 1:17-18